Alissa A.

1st night

Wasn’t awkward.

Wasn’t weird.

Was enjoyable.

Was like old times.

Was passionate.

Was what being friends is like.

Can’t wait to see where this summer takes me.

Also a good thing for today:

Ran a whole mile on the treadmill this morning. =D I’m pretty damn proud of myself. I feel like I could have kept going, but my legs just get so weak. I’m usually in my breathing rhythm by that point, but my body feels like it’s going to just give up.

This is bad… This is very bad

I’m starting to feel myself fall back into my addictive ways. I want to try this out, but I don’t want to waste these past 8 weeks of healing. This should be fun. =)

I will embrace this challenge.

I haven’t written on here in awhile. I’ve been busy with school and nothing out of the ordinary has happened that I need to express it.
Now, recently…. something has happened. I’ve felt really good the past few weeks. Haven’t thought about him; when I talk about him, it doesn’t hurt as much; I don’t dream about him. I thought I was finally moving forward. We’ve had little contact today and it’s bringing up some thoughts and it’s making me really think about things. I still feel something for him; deep down, I want to be in his life some how.. maybe friends or friends w/ benefits… but I know I shouldn’t be involved for my well being. I don’t know if it’s feelings or wanting company or what, but I feel if we try friends or whatever, I will just fall right back in with him. But I know that is a bad decision. I know I deserve better and I know I need to be single to figure out who I am as Alissa. I don’t know what I want or who I want or what I believe in or what my values are. I haven’t spent enough time with just Alissa to realize who she is. In order to find out who she is, I know I need to stay single and experience life with her and find out things and opinions I never knew about.

Now, thinking about that feeling… I wonder if what I still feel is true love. I was thinking what it is about the relationship I had with him that makes it hard to let go. And I have no idea what the feeling is, but I do wonder if it is love. I thought I loved him.. I felt it in my body… the warmth when I thought about him, when I saw him, even when I was angry at him.. I still felt that warmth, the butterflies in my stomach before I got to see him.. before calling him, how my heart would stop for a second when I saw his name on my caller id, how my grin would pop on my face with no thought.. it was a reaction. I didn’t know if it was love or if it was infatuation. It happened so fast.. so I honesty didn’t know. I had times when I did not know what I felt for him… It was hard for me to express my feelings for him when he would ask or someone else would ask why I loved him or what did I love most about him… It was always the same answer.

I just don’t know. That was my favorite quote. Because I did not know. Just like now, i’m so confused about us. I want to see him. I forget about all the bad shit, but my conscience is telling me “NO! You deserve better.” My parents advice runs through my head.. Friends advice running through.. All saying the same thing, “You deserve so much better… He doesn’t deserve you.. He is a cheater.. He lies.. He will use you for your money, company, and body.. He will never change.. He will never grow up. Never get his life together. Never be the man you deserve to have.” It’s a constant struggle… every time I think of our relationship; of our possibly-to-be-future-relationship. It sucks… so bad, so bad bad bad! The worst part… no one can figure it out but me.

Story of my life.

Didn’t work out this morning. Planning to either take a short jog this evening once I get home, or tomorrow morning after Gabriel’s swim practice. It’s gonna be a lovely weekend and i’m overly excited to be home and be with my family! I’m getting home sick for sure.

Workout Week 11

Wednesday:

30 min treadmill; same interval jog/walk as Monday

10 knee pushups

2 60 sec planks

stretching

Workout Week 11

Monday:

30 mins Treadmill: 5 min warm-up, run 6/walk 1, run 5/walk 1, run 4/walk 1, run 3/walk 1, run 2/walk 1; 5.0 speed

10 crunches

5 ea. side twist crunch

60 sec plank

20 squats

STRETCHING!! :)

I’m really starting to enjoy jogging. I used to think I hated running/jogging, but I was forced back in the day. Now, I am able to enjoy jogging and go at my own pace, not someone else’s.

You are more beautiful than you think.